BACK~2~BLACK

Come Home

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:08:18 GMT

Hello world, hope you're listening
forgive me if I'm young or speaking out of turn
but there's someone I've been missing
and I think that they could be the better half of me

they're in the wrong place trying to make it right but I'm tried of justifying

So I say to you, come home, come home
cause I've been waiting for ya for so long, for so long
and right now there's a war between the vanities
but all is see is you and me
and the fight for you is all I've ever known
so come home

I get lost in the beauty of everything I see
the world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be
if all the sons and all the daughters stop to take it in
well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

it might start now or maybe I'm just dreaming out loud

but until then come home, come home
cause I've been waiting for ya for so long, so long
and right now there's a war between the vanities but all i see is you and me and the fight for you is all i've ever known, ever known
so come home, come home

everything i can't be is everything you should be
and that why i need you here
everything i can't be is everything you should need and that's why i need you here with me

so hear this now, come home, come home
cause I've been waiting for ya for so long, so long
so come home, come home

Hold Me Now

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:14:47 GMT

How strange it feels to miss you, standing right before you.
Your good times seem so far and few.
I've begun pretending not to see an ending.
But it's all coming into view.
So hold me now, hold me fast.
Pretend it's not going to be the last
time
that we love,
hold me like we'll love forever.
Hold me now, I can't believe we're making out last memories...it's not enough. Hold me like we'll love forever...

It seems that you've grown tired of the one you've once desired.
But I've not wanted none but you. Oh, do you think you could find a way to love me again someday?
There's nothing else I can do.
So hold me now. hold me fast.
Pretend it's not going to be the last time we love.
Hold me like we'll love forever. Hold me now, I can't believe we're making out last memories.
It's not enough.
Hold me like we'll love forever.....

....and now it seems all that's left are dreams of arms to hold, and I'm holding on but the love's already gone....

so just hold me now

Pretend it's not going to be the last time that we love.
Hold me like we'll love forever......hold me like we'll love forever, just hold me now....never mind, it's not enough...

Get Me Through December

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:52:30 GMT

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain

As the changing of seasons prepares me again

For the long bitter nights and the wild Winter day

My heart has grown cold my love stored away

My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow

Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go

I've taken the pain no girl should endure

But faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Get me through December

A promise I'll remember

Just get me through December

So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin

And peace is a gift that must come from within

I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest

Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December

A promise I'll remember

Just get me through December

So I can start again

I had a dream.

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:30:41 GMT

I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls
with vassals and serves at my side,
and of all who assembled within those walls
that I was the hope and the pride.
I had riches all too great to count
and a high ancestral name.

But I also dreamt which pleased me most
that you loved me still the same.

I dreamt that suitors sought my hand,
that knights upon bended knee
and with vows no maiden's heart could withstand,
they pledged their faith to me.
And I dreamt that one of that noble host
came forth my hand to claim.

But I also dreamt which pleased me most
that you loved me still the same.

And there was you.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:06:32 GMT

Dark night, heavy mind.
And there was you.
Bright light at morning time, heavy heart.
And there was you.
Eyes closed, tears formed.
And there was you.
Empty feelings, sorrow filled thoughts.
And there was you.
The checkout line, paper not plastic.
And there was you.
Home at eight, empty spaces.
And there was you.
Frosted window panes, half full wine glasses.
And there was you.
Candle light, shadowed smiles.
And there was you.
Dark night, heavy mind.
And where were you?

Spiral

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:54:54 GMT

First and fore most, aww, poor Heath Ledger. I am truly saddened by his death. I don't know why. Death is always sad, but he was so young, and it just hit me very hard. My prayers to Michelle and the baby. :(

Now, craziness is happening all the time and rarely do I find time to stop and think and put it all together. I've been attempting to write a blog for a while now, and just have not had the time, or really the desire to sit and write what I've been feeling. I've been in this fog ever since the start of South Pacific. I've been quite unsocial and it doesn't bother me. There have been great times and at the same time there have been very awkward situations and things that have happened, but I've taken all of it and just put it in a box in my brain and well, the box is full. Time to empty it. I shall do that here.

First of all, Happy New Year. Yes, I know it's almost Feburary. So what, happy new year anyway. New Year's was great. Shift wasn't as poppin as last year, but I did okay. Jenn and Brian were my first kisses of the year, so that was nice. On behalf of the Boo Organization, I would like to welcome Jenn to the order of the Boo's. Congrats on that, not an easy task.

Second, I'd like to say farewell to Dena. It was great having you. Hope life's path lays out for you in a most easy fashion. I wish you the best in all you do.

Third, I'd like to say happy birthday to Douglas. Con todo mi passion, Feliz Cumpleanos!!

Fourth, Ashleigh. I love you. I feel for you. I'm here. Don't hesitate to ask if you need anything. Us Divas must stick together, no matter what.

Fifth, Bell Haven. I promise, I will come. I will get out there as soon as possible. I've been trying for weeks, but for some reason or another, I don't make it. I'm coming, darling, I promise...

And last, but certainly not least, the spiral. I write about this with the upmost assurance that there method to this madness and that some power greater than I can see is watching, and helping, and ensuring we both make it through this. "And the Lord replied, 'The times you saw only on set of footprints, those were the times I carried you.'

Until Wednesday, I didn't know what to think of you, or me, or both. But now, now I see that the miscommunication that I insisted stood between us and that I entirely blamed on you was me. Or some part of it was me. This whole time I was thinking, what's his problem, why isn't he responding to me? How foolish I'd been and how blind to not see that this whole time you were responding. I've just never been shown that side of emotional connection and the whole thing took me by surprise and my shallow insecure way of pusing away any hopes of happiness lead me to believe that you weren't hearing me call, little did I know you were drowning in my ocean of noise.

"In an ocean of noise,
I first heard your voice,
Ringing like a bell,
As if I had a choice, oh well!
Left in the morning
While you were fast asleep,
Into an ocean of violence,
A world of empty streets.
You've got your reasons,
And me I've got mine,
But all the reasons I gave
Were just lies to buy myself some time.
In an ocean of noise,
I first heard your voice,
Now who here among us
Still believes in choice?
—Not I!
No way of knowing
What any man will do,
An ocean of violence
Between me and you.
You've got your reasons,
And me I've got mine,
But all the reasons I gave
Were just lies to buy myself some time.
I'm gonna work it out.
'Cause time won't work it out.
I'm gonna work it out.
'Cause time won't work it out for you.
I'm gonna work it on out."

I thought I loved you. For a year this burning inside was a small flicker of a flame and it kept growing. It burned yellow with happiness to know you, it burned green with jealousy, seeing you "ignore" me persistantness and trade it for the hollow beings that surrounded you. It burned blue for the many times I cried and the times I felt near ill at the thought of losing you, when in reality I never had you. It burned red with anger. Anger I felt toward you, I wanted to hate you. I wished I could hate you, cause if I hated you, then I couldn't possibly love you. It burned purple with the thought that what I was entering was dangerous. With your melancholy mystique, this was truly a danger and how rebellous I was being for rubbing against something so threateningly dark. It burned black with the woe of the unknown. Not knowing whether to persist or to retreat. Surrender the war, or simply give up the battle. Black for the renowned notion that the waters ahead were going to be deep and rough and merky yet my floatation device heart would be strong enough to get me to shore.
And now, it glows orange. Not just any ole orange, though. The orange of morning when the sun begins to light the world and the birds begin to chirp. Orange as the August sky, softly decending into eve. Orange as the neon lights of the bible on McClean Ave. Orange, the soft glow of assurance brought forth by a fire in the bleak of winter, burning warmingly in the hearth. Orange, the color vivid revelations of a future in each other.

Your addicited. I know. You have many. But what I've come to find is that I do as well. If not illegal, it should be. I get addicted to people. Sure they aren't as severe as some addictions, but nonetheless all damaging in their own ways. I drift from one crush to the next like frogs on lilly pads. This unstable roller coaster of emotion I'm so addicited too is far more deathening than one might percieve. But now I'm addicited to you. There sould be a support group for someone like me. I can't make you stop. I need you like a fend needs speed. I need you like a fish water. And I'm not so sure that's very healthy. But I find solice in the prose you speak about a burning, maybe not an addicition, but definately a plaque of some kind, toward me. Better to go down with one whom you have cared for long before you knew it, than to go alone, or even worse, I think, to go down alone, without ever telling the other what you think they should know. Because they don't. Word of advice to all, tell the people you care about whether it be a friend, a family member, an already established lover, or especially, a secret love, how you feel. They might feel the same. And I'm glad you do. How uneasy I felt thinking my life would be just a cover to keep you close and not ever telling you to one day have you gone. At least now, you know.
"Now I shout it from the highest hills, even told the golden daffodiles, at last my hearts an open door, and my secret love's no secret anymore."
You need help, I will help you. Like you've helped me.
"And when you look in my eyes, please know, my heart is in your hands, it's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms, you have complete power over me, so be gentle if you please cause your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth baby and it makes me want to make you near me always."
As promised, I will stay home, write you letters and bake pies. So go soldier boy, go fight your battles, go win your wars, when you return, I'll be here. Still waiting for you.
I'll hold you hand each step of the way, but know, that while you fight your demons, I too, have some to be slayed. We'll stake our vamps together. And in the end, we'll be together. Loving each other. The way that we want. The way we were intended too. The way we were on wednesday. You're beautiful. More beauty lies in you than any I've seen in one sole person. Your beauty is both inner and outer. And though most see your outer, I'm honored and glad to be able to have seen and known, and see and know, your inner. And I'm not scared. I'll be strong for you. Like an Amazon, right Jenn?
"I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth
It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight"

For those of you who know what's going on after reading that most dramatic soap opera-like thing, that's what's going on. For those that don't get it, just think of it as poetry and accept it and move on. No further questions. Thanks.

How i will die.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:02:17 GMT

How will I die? Your Result: You will die while saving someone's life. The most noble of all deaths. Your rewards will be great in the next life. You are most definitely a humanitarian. If not currently, you will be. To give one's life is a precious moment that will be remembered by friends and family for many decades.
You will die in a nuclear holocaust.
You will die while having sex.
You will die in a car accident.
You will die in your sleep.
You will die from a terminal illness.
You will die of boredom.
You will be murdered.
How will I die? Create a Quiz

"It Ends Tonight"

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 19:07:43 GMT

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS LYRICS
"It Ends Tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

My head hurts.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 19:09:21 GMT

So I've been thinking deep for about the past week. And I've thought so much that my head is throbbing and has been for like 3 days. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my body hurts. This has been a crazy time in my life. And now that it's 2008, I can take this time to reflect on the past year. And as I see it, it's been one of the worst years, ever! I've given my heart away several times, only to have it trampled on and returned shaken and bruised, however, still beating. I've drifted away from close friends and gotten close with other "friends" that now that I look on it, I'm not so sure if it was the best move. I'm more broke than I've ever been. But thanks to being a kick ass waiter, I'm quickly bouncing back. I've made promises, only to have broken them, I've been promised things, only to have them broken onto me. I find myself in a rut. A giant hole of emotion, and I'm sinking. Sinking deep and sinking quick. I keep waiting for a rabbit to run by proclaiming to be late, like what happened to Alice. I sometimes fear sleep because my dreams take to me worlds that scare me. Ones that could never be yet at the same time, feel so real, and really could happen. My head is heavy with thought and I'm tired. I really do like my job, both of them, but my body isn't keeping up. I feel worn down. Burned out. Exhausted. I've lost my faith in a higher power. How can I believe in the glow of "higher peace" if when I kneel and cry and plead for change, nothing arises? Must I believe? Must I believe in the absence of his love? I also can't understand why everytime I come close to what I feel is the best thing for me, the love of all loves, I run, or I push, or I hide....Why must everytime it rains, I cry? Hopefully with this new year, I can begin a new slate. One that has to do with me. Maybe I can sleep more, work less, smile more, cry less. Maybe I can take this time to find what I want, what I need. Instead of always filling the cups of others. "You're cup runith over, but mine is always dry." I've searched for answers in a man who forged my love just like a weapon, and turned it against me like a knife, he broke my last heart string, but he opened up my eyes. And a hard as moving on is going to be, I have the burdon of having to see him at work. I have the burdon of his calls, his texts, his getures, his eyes. I'm tired. I feel as though I could sleep for days. My body is telling me to run away from all this, just leave. Take a break, but my head, my heart, keeps me here. " Oh God! What'll I do? I'm a thousand miles away....I just had this feeling, thought I had to get going, got too scary, got too big, said boy, better get out of here, but now...now I don't know how to get home.." I wish everyone the best in 2008. Happy New Year. I hope mine is better than last.

When whoever's in New England....

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:51:47 GMT

You spend and awful lot of time in Massachusetts
Seems like every other week you've got a meeting waiting there
Business must be booming or could something else be moving in the air up there
You say that it's important for our future An executive on his way up has got to play the part
And each time duty calls you've got to give it all Got to thaw your heart

When whoever's in New Englands through with you
And Boston finds better things to do
You know it's not too late cause you'll always have a place to come back to
When who ever's in New England is through with you

I hear the winter time up north can last forever

And I've been told it's beautiful to see this time of year
They say the snow can blind you to the world you left behind just disappears I hear

I've packed your bags and left them in the hallway
But before you leave again there's just one thing you ought to know
when the icy wind blows through you remember
That's it's me who feels so cold most of all

When whoever's in New England through with you
And Boston finds better things to do
You know it's not too late cause you'll always have a place to come back to
When whoever's in New England's through with you

Superman

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 03:09:56 GMT

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird:I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away:away from me
It's all right:You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy:or anything:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

I call this entry.."Entry"

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 20:59:45 GMT

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and how much I want to change it. The guy I love, the places I work, the place I live, etc. I'm not so sure it's because I'm unhappy, but more that I feel as though I want more. I want to eat life like it's an all-you-can-eat buffett. I want to embrace each day as if it were the last. I was asked the other day if I'm going through an early mid-life crisis. Well, no. I'm not. I've been reading a lot and writing a lot and my mind if full. But on one person. I can't get him out of my head. And maybe this is one of those things that no matter how hard we try and how hard we love, we just can't make it work. And it's not you, I swear, I need this for me. I'm thinking Barcelona. My boo, Brian has agreed to accompany me on my journey to peace and self-serenity. This time next year, we plan to be in Spain. Maybe not permanently, but definately for a while. For those that don't know, Brian is the guy that's always there and we've seen each other through hell and back and he's just my everything. There have been hard times and I don't know what I would have done without him. (Don't worry Clarisa, I love you, too. Brian's my boo, you're my rock and honorary soulmate, geez) If I make it through December, everything's going to be alright I know. Not the greatest entry, but and entry nonetheless. :)

When he loves me (he loves me all the way)

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 12:55:55 GMT

Sometimes when he comes home I'm cookin' breakfast
I haven't slept a wink all night long
I've been layin' in bed thinkin' like a woman
Wonderin' if my man's been doin' me wrong

To think he might be out with another man
Makes my temper rise with jealousy
But all these years I've never caught him cheatin'
I guess he needs some time away from me

But when he loves me, he really loves me
There's nothin' left for me to say
Oh when he loves me, he really loves me
He loved me all the way

I'm not ever gonna worry about tomorrow
As long as he makes everything alright today
I'd rather wonder a little and have his lovin'
'Cause when he loves me he loves me all the way

When he loves me, he really loves me
There's nothin' left for me to say
Oh when he loves me, he really loves me
He loved me all the way

I'm not ever gonna worry about tomorrow
As long as he makes everything alright today
I'd rather wonder a little and have his lovin'
'Cause when he loves me he loves me all the way
'Cause when he loves me he loves me all the way

Room to Breathe.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:55:01 GMT

We've been on this path now for far too long. I don't know what it is but it seems everytime I get close to someone, I feel too close and I push them away and maybe it's my independce and power that I'm afraid of losing or maybe I'm just scared of love. I know I love you, I know I do, and I know you love me, I know you do. But this emotional roller coaster we've been on, this game of plucking flower petals, "we're meant to be, we're not" is far too burdening on my heart. And maybe you're not it, maybe you're just a stepping stone on the path of life to a love greater than this. I don't know. I love you. But sometimes I just want you to go away. Sometimes I don't want this relationship and sometimes I want to run and tell everyone and then I stop to think and realize, it's no one's business. So I'll keep it to myself. Err. I hate that I love you and I love that I love you. What does that mean? I guess the only consilation prize is that you love me, too. But sometimes I feel a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you....Oh God! What'll I do? I am a thousand miles away, and I am lying next to you.

You ain't done nothing wrong but I think we need to talk
You might be the one but before we go too far
I need a little time to figure out my heart
Who could ask for more but I need to know for sure

I haven't been myself from the minute that we met
I ran into your world and kinda walked out on myself
All those dreams I had,I begin to second guess for you
One too many questions until I know the truth

I need room to breathe
A little time to think
To make sure I don't lose me
I need room to breathe

I know you're not to blame and I swear there's no one new
This has to do with me and not a thing to do with you
So don't try to understand you don't have a thing to prove to me
If you really love me just give me what I need

Room to breathe
A little time to think
To make sure I don't lose me
I need room to breathe

Please don't take this wrong
Please don't turn away
I just don't want to look back one day and say

I need room to breathe
A little time to think
To make sure I don't lose me
I need room to breathe

Room to breathe

Never is a promise....and you can't afford to lie.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 20:43:38 GMT

I gaze out the window in broken desideratum; searching, longing, craving your soul, but also something greater. Something more vacuous. This daily rutine of masquerader and aposle. This Tom and Jerry aproach to love. This constant act of keeping what is clearly dead by sweeping it under the rug and adjusting to a life of bleaking familiarity has me shattered. Beep, beep, the alarm sounds. Soon you'll be stumbling to the shower, singing your chorus of manly morning noises, then into the kitchen, only to acknowledge the waning aura of my once much needed and much brightly dominant presence, with a simple quick stare and nod of your perfectly sculpted head. Jingle, jingle go your keys and crank, click goes the door. And you're gone. I watch you walk into the angelic glow of the sun as it peers over Time Square. On the television, the same ole, same ole. Weather patterns dramatically changing, the cost of living dramatically increasing, people still dying of cancer, wars still being fought, and yet those two or three individuals who seem to think they have the power to fix it all in four years. Four years. Four years is a long time it seems. Quite minute when compared to all the years of the average life span, but in retrospect, it is a life span. Four years. Here then there, come and gone. I bet he forgot today was four years. Hmm, guess I should dress. I like this new body wash. I wonder if he noticed...Who am I kidding. On the busy streets, more people than I could imagine to put a number to pass by. Dozens crowded around the bus stops, other wailing cabs, others jumping steps to hit the subrails. Normally I'd be right there in the mix, but today I decided to walk. I pass shops with flowers and little Asian women trying to sell them. Of course, you can't exactly call it a flower shop or florist. Considering you can get Egg Drop Soup, "fresh" cut roses, razors, beer, corny souvenirs, designer imposter bags, and cigarettes, it's hardly a flower shop, yet the sign clearly says FLOWER SHOPPE. I hate that. The PE at the end of things, does it add anything besides extra lettering? Does it change the meaning? I guess some things in life you'll just never know. That reminds me, do I have any cigarettes? Nope. Ten minutes later I leave the shop not only with a new pack of overly priced cigs, I now have a boquet of flowers, a new toothbrush, a bottle of water, a cheap bottle of wine from Kansas...KANSAS? What the hell...anyway, and an anniversary card. What can I say? I just can't say no to those cute little old Asain woman. They're so damn persuasive. And you know the funny thing, they didn't even say anything, but this way I have someone to blame for buying things for the hell of it. In the distance clouds are forming, I suppose rain will be here by nightfall, but that's hours from now. I continue on my quest of the day to find a gift. Something that says, "hey bitch I still, yes I know it's hard to believe because of the way we don't seem to even know each other anymore and at times the silence is so piercing I think I might just stab myself in the throat, love you." Fuck, this is going to be hard. 10 AM. The air is cool and heavily fragranted with motor oil, trash, and breakfast. But breakfast here is just a cookie and latte from starbucks. Guess, that's what I'll have. Same thing I've had every morning for the past 1,460 days. Like I said, same ole, same ole. (Maybe today I'll spice things up. Instead of chocolate chip, I'll do peanut butter.) I sit down at the bar that lines the window and watch as lovers and lawyers, moms and maids, bums and brokers, all make their way to where ever it is they're going. Same routine everyday. Like clockwork. I'm not sure where these people are headed, and you would think they'd have it down by now, but they always seem to be getting there late. Four years. Four years ago today. I sat here. You running around out there. You glance up from your watch, realizing you have a minute to grab a joe, you come in and take your place in line. You were so dammned cute in your not-so-coordinated, yet you spent at minimal two hours picking out, multi-blue suit ensemble. Toe tapping, I assumed you were an intern, trying to follow in the footsteps of all the others out there trying to make a buck in this world. I also assumed you were probably running a little behind. I turn away and back to my hobby of city watching. "Is this seat taken?" Wow. It speaks, too. "No, no it's not, please, sit down." And three hours later, we're still sitting. I knew then you were the one. Finally God, had a plan for me. It was to love you. Your eyes of blue I could just swim in and the scent of excitment and aspiration you seemed to exude. You were it. You were the one. Before I knew what was happening, our daily ritual of a cookie and a latte was underway. And as if time were being fast forwarded three months had passed and you were moving in. You'd done well as an intern and was well on your way to making the big money. I was still trying to get a decent book out. One that someone other than myself would fancy reading. But the money was fine. We lived well, with your ever increasing career pace and my inheritence, we were the Mr. and Mr. Smith of west 19th ave. Seasons came and went and love and life and pleasure and ups and downs and happys and sads and all the wonderful things of being in loved occured and then one day like the tide you began to change. I finally wrote stuff people wanted. You moved up and was unhappy and made your own business and our clothing changed and our talk and our circle of friends and then you kept going and I stayed behind, half by choice, the other by means to which I can't explain. The house we'd made a home with yellow glowing all around faded to gray and our seperate desires for each other were put on different levels and my tear stained pillow was never seen and my empty heart and heavy mind have never shone and all the nights alone when my only comfort was a bottle of wine, and Lifetime have never been spoken of and the scars of your silence and the dissapearance of your smile and the lack of words from your heart and the perfect form of a man and everything he should be, that I fell in love with was and still is gone. I'm a widow living with my widowee in a tourture chamber of emotions and yet, the sun still comes up and the birds still chirp and the horns still blow and the waters still flow and I guess I'm suppose to be happy, so why the hell am I not? I have everything I guess I'm suppose to have for a life of bliss, I have everything I ever dreamed, except my one true dream of real true love have turned into a reccurring nightmare and I'm hidden in the shadows of your presence and I'm still here, but drowning in your eyes of blue and suffocating in your aroma of dead excitement and over flaunted exceedment of aspirations. You've become as sweet as sour milk, however, fowl it is though, I still share with you our bed and I still give to you my heart and four years is a lifetime when you had no life to begin with. And I love you. Snap out of it, it's noon you asshole, you need a gift...fashion district? No. Chinatown? No. Macy's? No. Theatre tickets? No. what what what??? So I've run all over the city, smoked all of my flower shop cigs, and have found nothing. I head home. 730PM. Where did the day go? The rain begins to fall. Softly. As if the sky were weeping. Is is morning the absence of the moon? Cry not for me. I reach the door. I can hear you rustling about. He forgot. I enter. Drip, drip goes the shower. Well, at least he'll be clean. I've grown accoustomed to the small things in life. I vase the flowers, which were half dead to begin with and now are probably ready for the trash, open the wine, grab a glass. "Pour me one?" Wow. It speaks, too. "Sure." "A toast."...a toast? (to what) "What are we toasting?" (God, I love your eyes!) "A celebration. Four years ago today I fell in love. I walked in for a hot latte and walked out with the hottest thing in New York City. I've not only been blessed to have you in my life, I'm honored. I've never stopped loving you. An older couple passed on the street this morning and I stopped to stare. Where will I be in 50 years, I pondered. Will I still have the love of my life on my arm to help aid me around? Will I be able to look back on my life and say, damn, I was loved and damn! I loved.? I don't know what's happened to us, not sure where we went. The road has had many turns and dips and curves, but I've felt for you what I felt for you then and now, all the way down. And four might not be a big number, but it's my new favorite. I know you've thought of leaving, I swear I wouldn't be able to take it. I know I've been cold and silent. And I have no one to blame but myself. And I'm sorry." "Don't be." "I am." Four years is a long time. If you can make it, I praise you. "And by the way, I like the new bodywash."... :) He noticed.

Little Sister.

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 12:05:49 GMT

Hey little sister, I heard you went to mister so-and-so,
Knock, knock, knocking on his door
Again last night, said you needed it bad.
You know that ain't right.
'Cause so many times you've come to me cry, crying,
Trying to stop, you said it hurts so bad
But please don't let you
Go back for more.

My little sisiter is a zombie in a body
With no soul; a role she has learned to play,
In a world today where nothing else matters.
But it matters, we gotta start feeding our souls,
Not our addictions or afflictions of pain.
To aviod the same questions we must
Ask ourselves to get any answers,
We gotta start geeding our souls...

Have been lost to the millions with lots
Who feed on addiction selling pills and what's hot.
I wish I could save her from all their delusions,
All the confusion,
Of a nation that starves for salvation.
But clothing is the closest approximation
To God and He only knows that drugs
Are all we know of love.

Ev'ry day we starve while we eat white bread
And beer instead of a handshake or hug.
We spill the pills and sweep them under the rug.
My little sisiter is a zombie in a body
With no soul; a role she has learned to play,
In a world today where nothing else matters.
But it matters, we gotta start feeding our souls.

FUCK U! U fucking fuckidy fuck fuck!!!!! FUCK U!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:18:52 GMT

So everything is going good. Good times with good friends, good food, good booze, good fireworks, good all around...UNTIL! OOOOHHHH< Until, KEN the FUCK TARD pushed me into the pool. Grant it, I don't mind being pushed in the pool, I can take a joke.....however, my 2 month old phone was in MY FUCKING POCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, my expensive, very new, phone, is very worthless, very dead, and very broken. But that's okay, he verbally agreed last night to replace it. And to my understanding, in VA a verbal agreement is a legal binding contract. So my I-PHone will be here tomorrow, billing address, Ken W. HAHA...take that bitch!

You Don't Have To Say You Love Me....

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:33:35 GMT

You don't have to say you love me, I already know.
I can tell by the way you smile and the sweet kisses to me you blow.
I see it in those there sparkled eyes.
I know you love me and it's no big surprise.
The little notes you send, the way you're more than a friend.
The way you've found how to match my rhytmic chimes.
The way the room stops when you enter and all you see is me.
This my dear, is the way, I know you love me.
I can hear it in the buzzing of others' conversations.
I can see it in the stars above.
I can tell, sweetheart, we're in love!

Optimistically Gleeful.

Tue, 29 May 2007 17:26:51 GMT

If I could pause the world, even for just a day, I'd have you by my side to run with me and play.

I'd snap your photo several hundred times, just for proof to hush the rumoristic chimes.

I'd look on these from our day of glees and I'd smile. For in that hour of brightened bliss, I'll look upon it...and to it I'll miss.

I'm not sure if to this tale I'll sigh. I do know, however, I'll have a tear in my eye. Maybe two- one for the happy and one for the blue.

But the optimistacity of my unknown subconscience slave tells me we probably wouldn't behave and to this though, my heart is gave.

And I'll forever love you from now to my grave

Wings Upon Your Horns

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:21:32 GMT

Before you first made love to me
You called me, your wife-to-be
And after that, I saw the devil in your eyes
With your sweet smooth talkin' ways
You turned a flame into a blaze
The night I let you hang my wings upon your horns

Don't tell me that I'm no saint
I'm the first to know I ain't
There's a little thing called love
And that's what changed me
From an innocent country girl
To a woman of the world
The night I let you hang my wings upon your horns

You hung my wings upon your horns
And turned my halo into thorns
And turned me into a woman I can't stand
You're the first to ever make me
Fall in love and then not take me
The night I let you hang my wings upon your horns

You hung my wings upon your horns
And turned my halo into thorns
And turned me into a woman I can't stand
You're the first to ever make me
Fall in love and then not take me
The night I let you hang my wings upon your horns

Jewel - Hands(Live - Christmas version)

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 15:42:12 GMT

Simply Beautiful. The song, the voice, the singer...

Here he comes....

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 17:59:15 GMT

So yesterday I go to the theatre and I get bombarded by host asking me about Chris and if rumors were true and shit. EXCUSE ME? That is none of you're fucking business. I just want people to leave me alone. And for the record. Since I don't think people know. HE started all of this. HE did it. I just went alone with it. And now I'm Chris' Clown? They're saying here he comes that's Chris' clown. I DON'T THINK SO! So to all you host people who think you're the shit and you know what's going on....FUCK OFF! Mind your own business or I will assassinate you. End of story.

Blue-did-dee-dooo.

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 20:18:58 GMT

It's come to my attention that I am no longer breezy. This is a big problem for me, cause, for those that know me, I am a very breezy person. Never before I have I cared is someone didn't call or text. Never before have I let myself get down over someone. But, YOU! You did this to me. Damn-it. So if you don't start stepping it up, I'm going to blue-did-dee-dooo you right in the face! And being the crazy Brenda addict that I am, I shall now insert her here.

Anybody But Me. --Brenda Lee.

I wish I could be
Anybody but me
I wish I could be
Anybody but me
Lonely, lonely as I can be

Well I had a true love
Had the world in my hands
Now I got a hurt
I can't hardly stand
A little bit of loving would be so grand

I'm not the same old me
That I use to be
I wanna be somebody
Just anybody but me
I got the blues on my mind
Blues won't let me be

Now I wanna be free
From what's holding me
Take away these tears
Take away these tears
And let me see
Cause I wanna be back
Like I use to be
I said I wish I could be
Yeah, anybody but me
Yeah, now I wanna be
Just, any old body but me
Because I'm lonely
Lonely as I can be

And when did I say I follow the rules??

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 13:11:47 GMT

An almost direct replication:

Me: "It's totally your fault. I never planned for this to happen."
Him: "How the hell is it my fault? You were just supposed to never know and I was just supposed to get over it."
Me: "Well, you didn't do a very good job of hiding it!!"
Him: "That's beside the point. You know damn well that this was going to be rough."
Me: "The hell I did, you paved the road, now you've got to walk it."
Him: "That's not how the game is played. You're not following in line like you're supposed to be doing."
Me: "Hah! Me follow in line..what the fuck? Who says that...are we in kindergarden? I don't follow rules..you know why rules we're made..for ME to break them, and for another thing, you don't own me, I'm not your little piece of meat you can just control and do what you want with."
Him: "Oh, you're totally my piece of meat and you want me to do what I want to do with you."
Me: "Like hell I do. Fuck you!"
Him: "Fuck you back!!"
Me: "Thank You!"
Him: "You're always working, I never see you, except at the theatre. This isn't going to work. I put and put and put into this and you leave me hanging. You're never here and when you are, it's like you're not,"
Me: "That's right I'm not here, I'm out working in every shit house between here and Fredericksburg City so I can wear $30.00 silk shirts. You know why? Cause I've earned it. And you ain't never put anything into this between my calls, my texts, my notes, my kisses, my hugs, my words!!!"
Him: "Well, what about that guy you were talking to ___________ about?"
Me: "What about him?"
Him: "Well?"
Me: "Well, what? We ain't together, it's none of your concern."
Him: "Did you put out?"
Me: "Don't ask..."
Him: "That means yes."
Me: " I did, I did. And it was great, we're going to get married Mr. Random man and me. It was so wonderful, it was better than it's ever been with you!!"
Him: "That's a lie, I'm the best!"
Me: "Yeah, well, that's not the God-damned point..stay on topic...the point is..yes, I see it so clearly now, as if a brick had smacked me in the face...YOU'RE JEALOUS~!!"
Him: "AHHHHHHHHH...I hate when you're right. Stop breaking the rules!!!"
Me: "What rules?? What Fucking rules? Are these 'rules' posted somewhere on a huge tapestry of holyness that no one but you can see, your royal majesty?? HUH? HUH?"
Him: ((Dead silent))
Me: "And that's why bitch, I don't play by the rules...I always win."
Him: "You've won one round my pet, but I will get you my pret"
((Me cutting Him off))
Me: "Oh, come on, now you're quoting Oz? You're pathetic!"
Him: " Yeah, but you love it."
Me: "So!"
Him: "Goodnight baby."
Me: "Yeah, whatever...bye."
(( CLICK ))

I'm like Tina--A Fool In Love!!

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 12:42:07 GMT

Theres something on my mind
Wont somebody please, please tell me whats wrong

Youre just a fool, you know youre in love
Youve got to face it to live in this world
You take the good along with the bad
Sometimes youre happy and sometimes youre sad
You know you love him, you cant understand
Why he treats you like he do when hes such a good man

Hes got me smiling when I should be ashamed
Got me laughing when my heart is in pain
Oh no, I must be a fool
Cause I do anything you ask me to

Without my man I dont wanna live
You think Im lying but Im telling you like it is
Hes got my nose open and thats no lie
And i, Im gonna keep him satisfied

A wave of action speaks louder than words
The truest thing that I ever heard
I trust my man and all that he do
And i, and I do anything you ask me to